“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)