*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i made a craigslist ad !
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me