A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
You Might Also Like
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊