[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining