The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker