Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.