Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.