You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
the short answer to this question
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.