friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.