Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.