The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
<- sleeps well with others
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries