I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…