Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’m calling the cops.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
This is my cat’s medicine.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.