the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Bringing home a sharpie
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.