virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
North and South
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*