Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You Might Also Like
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.