Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?