Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
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Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?