I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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called in thicc to work this morning
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I love art.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.