me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho