girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
uh oh
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
The news in a nutshell.