fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David