Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
When you’ve simply given up.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.