I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.