My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
When your man makes a valid point
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!