6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.