Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
nyc:
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.