nyc:
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95