I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
❤️❤️❤️
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.