Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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Raisins are grape jerky.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Vodka burrito was a success
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*