Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.