Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Noah
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
john wicks are toilet candles
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home