Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*frowns in Scottish*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
💻🤡
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.