[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Autocarrot sucks!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”