I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
dam girl
doing your own taxes
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people