The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My work here is done
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.