The Backseat Boys
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?