One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.