PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this