My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
#merica
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.