You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.