What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.