I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics