Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
wow he looks just like him
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.