romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
You Might Also Like
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Not messing around
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead