If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No