If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.