My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.