If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”