Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
where the womens at?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.